Thanks to Jill, this is an apt title.

Having left my two travelling companions in Bar Street, Hanoi, I left for my hotel to collect my luggage and depart for Sapa. In the limited research I had done, I thought why not go and see the rice terraces in Vietnam. I wasn’t even sure where this place was, but I knew that I could go by bus, car or sleeper train. Travelling when you are asleep is by the far the best – you save on hotels and you wake up the next day in the place you want to be. When I mooted this idea to my two travelling buddies I got a hard no. It wasn’t even up for discussion.

We had seven days and we all wanted to do Hanoi and Halong Bay. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time in Hanoi though, but to fit everything in I could only do one day in Sapa and be back in time to do Halong Bay with everyone – but to do that, I had to do two back to back overnight trains.

The Vietnamese trains have sold off some of their train carriages to private companies so a “luxury” service can be provided. My cabin for both journeys would be in a 4 berth as that was the only way I could book a single ticket and still have “luxury”. If I had wanted a cabin all to myself, I could have booked a two berth but would have to have bought two beds and for the sake of privacy how bad could the sleeper be! I have done 48 hour sleepers before when going to Tibet – this journey was only 7 hours 20minutes.

This part of my travel was why I brought a rucksack.

When booking the train, I had used the website 12go.asia, my outward journey was from Hanoi to Lao Cai, but not Hanoi railway station, the outward journey was from Yen Vien. On a cursory glance at the map I knew it wasn’t close to my hotel in the old quarter, but I just hadn’t worked out how far it actually was! The train was at 22:36 on the Saturday night arriving on Sunday morning at 05:55. I didn’t know what to expect from a Vietnamese train station so I left Jill and Gabby at 7:30pm so that I had plenty of time.

Back at the hotel, I asked the receptionist the best way to get to the train station. I had already downloaded Grab, an Asian version of Didi/Uber and there were choices of a Grab bike or a Taxi. The answer from the receptionist was a resounding “get a bike”. I asked whether that was truly the best way but it was a Saturday night in downtown Hanoi, some streets were closed because of the weekend markets and because of the location of the hotel it was agreed the Grab motorbike was best and the cheapest!!! And so I clicked the button. Really – the money didn’t matter but I thought let’s go for it.

The motorbike arrived. A helmet was given to me, now when I ride horses my helmets are child sized. Eleanor even has a bigger head than I do. But I was surprised that the helmet kind of fitted me. The chin strap was loose but I didn’t want to think about that too much. (Or so I thought).

My rucksack went in the footwell of the motorcycle and I put my daysac on my back. I still had my phone in my hand when I mounted the bike and so the only place I thought it would be safe in the time I had to put it somewhere was under my right bum cheek. But where to put my hands?

I didn’t have much time to think about that either. No sooner had I deposited my phone under my bum and we were off. I clung on to the sides of the bike, which I can only describe as the spoiler like you would get on a car. It forces your arms backwards. I didn’t know the etiquette of riding a bike with a stranger- could I have put my arms around his waist and clung on for dear life???

We joined the melée of bikes in the old quarter. The “driver” expertly wended his way missing bikes and pedestrians. We left the old quarter and joined a main road, we went round a massive roundabout with cars going every which way, we went over a bridge and then we were on a 4 lane high way going at a speed that I was far from comfortable with.

I might have whimpered. Had I been on a rollercoaster I would have been screaming but I didn’t feel that was appropriate. Still holding on for dear life I tried closing my eyes – but that really didn’t work. So I whimpered and moaned. And then the guy took his hand off the handlebar and started opening up a translation app on his phone. I watched him type… “Friend, are you afraid?” Despite the language barrier I shouted yes and then whimpered some more. He typed again “it’s ok” at 60kmph.

Thoughts of “how will anyone know that I am lying dead, how will Jill and Gabby know? How will Martin know? How will my body be repatriated? How will Eleanor cope? Will they stay in China? How stupid am I to even think that this was a good idea? It will make a good blog… but only if I live. It’s ok, you never hear of people dying after taking a Grab bike – yeah but it just might not be on the news you follow”.

Of course I arrived at the train station safely. I paid the Grab guy in cash and I got a selfie with him and vowed never to do it again.

I was in the middle of nowhere and the train station was devoid of anyone except the security guard. I walked out of the station and found a Korean BBQ and I ordered meat. The staff were bemused that it was only me, but I ate all the meat in front of me. Having not eaten much all day it was good sustenance and a bit of a celebration at having survived my near death bike ride.

I let Jill and Gabby know I was alive and then headed back to the station 45 minutes before the train was due. In the station was now 3 French guys and 1 Vietnamese woman.

At 22:30, staff checked our tickets and led us out onto the platform. There were no lights and not for the first time that day I thought what I am doing.

The train arrived and I found my carriage and cabin. My cabin already had 3 people in it and was in darkness and so I climbed into bed, turned off my phone and went to sleep. It was an ok bed, luxury it was not – it was the same standard you would get in a “soft sleeper” in China.

At 5:25am, half an hour before our arrival we were woken up. 20,000 Vietnamese Dong bought me a cup of tea. However, the train was running late. We arrived not at 5:55am but at 6:30am.

It was raining when the train arrived but I had packed a pre-loved item recommended by my Glasto buddy Bev, a Mary Quant poncho. So I felt somewhat prepared…

Lao Cai is not Sapa, and so I purchased a bus ticket and got on a 7am mini bus to Sapa. I had already booked a guide to meet me at 9am in Sapa so I knew I didn’t have to worry about that part of things. On arrival at the station I bought my bus ticket and 10 minutes later I was in a bus heading to Sapa. The journey reminded me of the journey from Yangshuo to Longji in Guilin province in China. The hairpin bends were taken at speed and on one occasion we overtook another bus on a hairpin bend while we were on the wrong side of the road with a motorcycle heading towards us. After that near miss, I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

Arriving in Sapa, a lot of people greeted us off the bus desperate to be our guides for the day. I went off in search of breakfast, and found a place that I ended up having breakfast and afternoon tea in.

I was able to charge my phone while having pancakes and at 8:55 I made it to the stone church to meet my Guide. She arrived a little late but once we had left her dry cleaning off she took me to the “office” and I was able to leave my rucksack there. I hastily repacked a bum bag / fanny pack (depending what side of the Atlantic you are on) and left. It was raining intermittently.

The rain is an important part of this tale. I purchased a good pair of walking boots in Northern Ireland earlier on in the year. Ostensibly they were for Glastonbury as well as a potential hike along Tiger Leaping Gorge. I had looked at my boots on the Friday morning and decided to leave them behind. I had my walking sandals after all.

My Sapa guide politely enquired if I was changing into walking boots… I said no, it’s ok my sandals are fine.

My sandals were NOT fine, and the rice terraces were NOT like the ones in Longsheng. There were no concrete steps up and down the terraces like in China and as it had been raining… it was MUD.

I was an idiot and was not a true girl guide of being prepared.

About 10 minutes into our walk which was fine – it was along a road, my guide met a man and counted out and gave to him 6 million Vietnamese Dong. I later found out that it was her brother and she was giving him money so that he could pay her builder so that they could get bricks/concrete to continue building her house.

After the encounter with the man, another local woman joined us. I didn’t know whether she was truly with us, or whether she had joined because she knew my guide. I later found out that I had been “assessed” as someone who would need help getting up and down the mountains due to my inappropriate footwear.

I mean she wasn’t wrong, and the “friend” was rewarded when I bought a scarf and a cushion cover from her as she had carried an umbrella and her handmade wares in a bucket on her back – all while keeping me upright while she was wearing even more inappropriate footwear than me – a pair of sliders!!! I think I would have bought more from her – if I had brought my day-sac – but as indicated earlier I was underprepared.

The area of Sapa was super interesting. I saw indigo as a plant and saw how it dyes your hands green. Indigo plants need fresh soil every couple of years so it isn’t easy to grow which is why I bought a scarf to remind me of the process.

We happened upon an area with beautiful buildings overlooking the mountainside. It transpired it was a hotel resort. When I asked about tourism and covid, I was told that the guiding business was back to nearly were it had been pre Covid, but the resorts built had not been so lucky. Tellingly she said that Europeans and others preferred to come to Vietnam and mix with the locals in homestays no matter how rich they are, but the rich Vietnamese and Chinese don’t want that lifestyle and prefer resorts. And it was that business model that had not faired so well post Covid. I am sure that tourism will happen once more. We have just had one of the first major holidays to happen in China without restrictions and so people are finding their feet and wings again!

The day was superb.

I went for most of the day not seeing any other tourists, and when I did see one set of tourists I saw that one of the guys was covered in mud. He had clearly fallen.

I saw water buffalo and baby ones too, I had lunch in a home stay cooked over fire and while people were astounded that I was only spending a day in the area, I felt that it was enough. The scenery was similar to what we had seen in China a couple of years ago, and given that Lao Cai is extremely close to the Chinese border it probably isn’t all that surprising.

My day ended at 3:30 with a taxi ride back from the end of our walk in the valley to Sapa which was higher up. We could have walked back but hiking in mud is exhausting when trying to keep upright. Both my guide and I fell asleep in the 30 minute taxi ride. I was offered a shower where I had left my rucksack, but I declined. I would rather be dirty on the train and have a shower on the Monday morning than shower after the hike, get on the train and be all sweaty again. Petit Gecko was the perfect spot for an afternoon hot chocolate and a read of my book before getting on the bus back to Sapa. I fell asleep once again on the bus, waking up in Sapa.

The bus left us outside a restaurant who were savvy to ask us to leave our luggage there and explore. I went to the cash point to withdraw yet another wad of millions for the next part of the adventure before returning to my luggage and a dinner of pancakes. At 8:45pm I went to the train station and got on the train. I was the 1st person in the cabin.

At 9:30pm the train left promptly. I lay down and closed my eyes. The couple on the bunks below also did the same. The guy on the top bunk opposite me did not. He decided to open his phone and watch videos without headphones. I was grumpy and told him to stop. He had the grace to acquiesce to my demands which weren’t unreasonable but the next morning at 4:55am when we were woken up he had the audacity to phone a friend and have a conversation with them. I made my displeasure known.

I arrived into Hanoi Train Station at 5:30am on the Monday morning wondering why I hadn’t left from Hanoi station on the Saturday night. I got a Grab Taxi to Jill and Gabby’s hotel and had breakfast as soon as the restaurant opened and then waited for Jill to wake up and come to breakfast so that I could have a shower in her room in luxury.

It wouldn’t be until Wednesday night that I would sleep on a bed that didn’t move.